Part 4 - Fear and Courage: Allies in the Healing Relationship - Teen Withdrawal

Part 4 in our series on teen social withdrawal from a Gestalt therapy perspective

For teenagers who withdraw from the world, fear often feels like the loudest voice in the room. It shows up in the body, in the breath, in the absence of words or eye contact. And yet, in therapy, something else begins to emerge alongside the fear—courage. Quiet, slow, often fragile—but real. In Gestalt therapy, we don’t rush past the fear. We meet it. We stay with it. And in doing so, we create space for courage to grow.

Body first: Noticing what’s already there

Gestalt therapy places deep attention on the body. Not just what we talk about, but how we breathe, move, avoid, or stay. What Spagnuolo Lobb describes as ascetic relational knowing means the therapist attunes to the felt sense of the relationship—those moments when two nervous systems meet, even before words are spoken.

For many teens, their bodily experience has become muted or disconnected. Anxiety and overwhelm often lead to shutdown. They may describe numbness, stillness, a loss of motivation, or a strange sense that time has stopped. These are all part of what we call the ID function in Gestalt—our internal sensations and needs.

In early sessions, this can make things feel stuck. A teen might be physically present but energetically distant. Diego, a 16-year-old who spoke of his future in vague, magical terms, but showed no engagement with the present. The room between us felt heavy, still, almost frozen in time. He wasn’t resisting me—he was simply surviving.

Personality and shame: Who I think I should be

As we work deeper, another layer emerges—the personality function. This is the part of us that forms from past experiences, beliefs, and roles. It shapes how we think we’re “meant to be” in social situations and how we respond when we feel we’re falling short.

Sophia, a 15-year-old girl, described herself as shy. But beneath that label was something more painful—a belief that she was clumsy, awkward, and a burden to her friends. Even when they invited her in, she felt out of place and full of shame. She wanted to belong but couldn’t bear the risk of being seen as not enough.

These moments matter. They show us how fragile the sense of self can feel when every interaction is layered with the fear of rejection or humiliation. The more these experiences accumulate, the more the teen begins to identify with withdrawal—not just as a behaviour, but as who they are.

Ego and the shrinking sense of possibility

When fear wins out over contact, the adolescent’s ego function—their sense of agency and ability to act—begins to fade. They may stop reaching out, stop exploring, stop hoping. It’s not because they don’t care, but because caring has become too risky. The energy that once might have gone into connection is turned inward, retroflexed, to protect themselves.

This kind of protective retreat is understandable, even adaptive, in moments of overwhelm. But over time, it can lead to a loss of vitality, motivation, and connection to the world. The self becomes smaller, not from lack of potential, but from lack of safe spaces to grow.

What the therapeutic relationship offers

In Gestalt therapy, we don’t push teens to reconnect before they’re ready. Instead, we notice. We breathe. We stay. We work with what is, rather than forcing what should be. And slowly, through this attuned, respectful relationship, teens begin to feel less alone in their experience.

Fear is no longer the enemy. It becomes a signal. And courage, once buried beneath shame and avoidance, begins to show itself in small ways—a longer breath, a deeper sigh, a shared smile, the first moment of contact.

These moments are where healing begins. Not by erasing the fear, but by allowing courage and fear to sit side by side in the presence of another.

If this resonates with you or someone you care about, I invite you to reach out.

You don’t have to do this alone.

Visit www.terrasoultherapies.com.au or contact me at terrasoultherapies@gmail.com to learn more or book a conversation.

Warmly,

Cath

Terra Soul Therapies